Downworker

This job opportunity on Upwork is no longer available, which surprises me, because it means somebody actually attempted to do it. "Newsletter for Jewish Holidays We are a contractor on the pool business and we need a content writer to specifically write content for our newsletters that are sent on Jewish holidays. Need someone that understands the Jewish culture and can create connections between a pool company and Jewish holidays." Here's the problem—if you understand Jewish culture, you also understand that there are no connections to swimming pools that could possibly be made. Most of our holidays are about celebrating that we escaped persecution, eating special high-calorie foods, or celebrating that we escaped persecution by eating special high-calorie foods. Rosh Hashanah  What it is?    The Jewish New Year. It is one of the High Holidays. Jews who never go to temple go on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. It's like the Jewish equivalent of Christmas and Easter in t...

This job posting is the perfect example of someone looking for a proofreader but also needing a proofreader to proof the job posting for the proofreader. "A proof reader needed to correct contents delivery is to help proofread our content to be sure of no mistake  The freelancer should able to check,correct,delete,rearrange,copy edit,cut and edit  Just setting up to edit a manuscript and to get to amortize over the course of a whole book but not to an article" Right away let me say that I'm totally on the same page as whoever wrote this entry—you desperately need a proofreader. Most writers/editors can figure out what someone is at least trying to say even if it's written poorly, but for that last line, I really have no clue. While "amortize" is a word, I'm pretty sure it's not the one they meant to use. And it sounds like the job might include proofing manuscripts and books but not articles? It's hard to say. The job is being offered at entry-le...

Although I started this blog recently, the original idea for it came more than a year ago, not long after I started looking for jobs on Upwork. This was how the post began. "I want an experienced writer who is interested in pizza cooking. You'd better have 1-year experience on pizza cooking." You'd better have one year of experience cooking pizzas? Is that meant to sound like a threat, because it sounds like a threat. Don't come to me with ten months of pizza-baking experience and think I won't know! I mean, STOP WASTING MY TIME!  Luckily I haven't encountered any other pizza-baking, cookbook-creating potential employers using strong-arm tactics since.

Someone on Upwork is looking for a "Ghost Sports Fashion Writer." There is so much packed into this little job title. To begin with, what are ghost sports? I can only assume the ghosts are participating in competition. The sports world has taken quite a hit, but I didn't think we were at the point of having ghosts compete. That would solve the virus-transmission problem, so maybe it's not such a crazy idea. So, what I hear this person asking for is an expert on what ghosts wear when they compete in sporting events (please refer to my previous blog on overly-specific areas of expertise ). But wait a minute! In the actual content of the post, it says a "Ghost Fashion Sports Writer" is needed. That's completely different! Now we're talking about ghost fashion. What are they wearing this year? And the fact that a sports writer is needed to cover said fashion leads me to believe that there is again some sort of competition going on. A ghost fashion show?...

Back in my day we just copied off of each other on tests, but students these days are much more savvy. They hire people to do their homework for them on Upwork. Nobody comes out and says, "please do my homework assignment," but there are usually other telltale signs that your potential employer is a well-to-do, lazy teenager—the details are vague, it involves a book that every high schooler is forced to read, or it's due the same day. Here are a few that just scream, "Please do my homework!" "Article on Mother Ignacia" "Two short summaries on famous literature" "Research report due in a few hours" "Religion assignment" I said most of them don't come out and say it's coursework, but that last one is pretty straightforward about it. Maybe they are feeling particularly guilty about somebody doing their religion homework?  Wanted—a two-page paper on plagiarism for my ethics class.

My parents were wrong. My teachers were wrong. Nancy Reagan was wrong. They all said that drugs were bad and would ruin your life, but Upwork tells me that's just not true. Have you seen how many cannabis, CBD, and hemp-related jobs there are?! I just saw one that said it was looking for "experts in the cannabis field to help build content for a cannabis-related platform." I'm not really sure what a "cannabis-related platform" is. To me, it sounds like some sort of jungle gym made out of hemp, but as we've already established, I'm no authority on this topic. I'm one of the kids who never smoked pot, and now I'm truly regretting it. I could be writing blogs about hemp, creating product descriptions for hemp-based CBD tinctures, and coming up with advertorials for CBD dog treats! And you know what? Most of the cannabis-related jobs pay really well! These people are looking for experts to describe their medical marijuana and CBD oils, and I am d...

I understand that one of the benefits of Upwork is that it offers a large freelance community from which to hire. This makes it more likely that you'll be able to find someone with the exact mix of skills you're searching for. But sometimes the specifics get a little out of hand. Sure, you want a skilled writer who also has a grasp on SEO and is comfortable writing about technology. That's specific, but those people are out there. But what about this one that I came across?  "I'm seeking a blog writer, content creator, and creative extraordinaire with a specialization in craft beer."  Okay, that is quite specific, but there are likely a handful of writers that also have knowledge of the craft beer niche. But wait, there's more... "More specifically, experience in writing social justice, diversity and inclusion, and advocacy pieces is appreciated." So, what I hear you saying is that you're looking for a social justice warrior who brews craft b...

I was searching with the keyword "blog," so I'm not even sure how this came up, but for less than minimum wage you could help a filthy rich guy find his new house!  Here are the requirements for his new digs: Must be off market Zestimate of $700k - $1.5M West-facing Directly on the river (not canal front, god forbid) or oceanfront If you're hired, you'll be putting his letter into envelopes, addressing them by hand, and sending them out. This man cannot be bothered to search on Zillow or write on an envelope. He values his time more than that! He does not, however, value your time very much. You'll be getting $5 - $10 an hour for your hand cramping as you write "Palm Shores" and "Cocoa Beach" in your impeccable script.

I recently applied to and did not get a position posted for a "retro candy blogger." I honestly don't think I have ever been so disappointed by not getting a job. If I'm being honest, though, I really just wanted it so that I could eat candy at my desk all day and say I was doing research. If my kids tried to talk to me I could say, with a mouthful of jelly beans, "Don't interrupt me! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M WORKING HERE?!" I mean, I do that now anyway, but it's considered "bad parenting" instead of "a good work ethic."

"Writers wanted for true Colorado Outdoor Adventure Stories I am looking for EXTREMELY adventurous TRUE stories from your own experience. Encounters with wildlife Lost in the wilderness Lost on the mountain in a blizzard Ice climbing close call" Now, after you crawl back home with your severed leg from the bear attack and your bloody finger stumps from the unfortunate frostbite incident, write me a story! You can peck at the keys with your face if you have to.  Oh, and can you make it funny? My readers love funny. Like, "how was I supposed to know that grizzly bears love Clif Bars??? So there I am, with only one leg, and nothing to eat! I just wanted to laugh, but thought I better conserve my energy since I was bleeding out on the trail." For your harrowing story of true bravery and infected bite wounds, I will pay you $5. But remember, your name would be on it! How exciting! Now none of your friends will EVER go on a trip with you again. And really your name isn...

Just found a job posting for an editor position. The hirer describes herself as a "business coach for a women-empowerment brand. She plans to pay her editor $7 to $10 an hour. So, she's all about empowering women, but she's not going to hire an empowered woman, because no empowered woman would accept less than minimum wage for her editing skills!  It appears that there is, unfortunately, no shortage of unempowered women as 20 to 50 of them have already applied to the job. Didn't you people learn anything from The Devil Wears Prada?! Go watch it again, sister. After all, you would only be losing $15 of billable time. Get back to work empowered readers, Sadie

Can we just talk about this power couple for a minute? You've seen them, right? I have decided to name them Emil and Lola because, well, I just wanted to. If you do a lot of tech research then you know Emil and Lola. If you often search for free photos to use in tech blogs then you know them as well. These two are everywhere! But why? Emil and Lola are casual yet sophisticated. They are fun yet professional. Emil loves to put sticky notes on his head when he's in the office, and that just makes him so endearing. They both love working outside and in coffee shops. You would never find them in a cubicle. They represent the cool nerds in the world of startups. I think Lola is so popular, at least partially, because she's a bit racially ambiguous. Have you tried finding stock photos of non-white business people? The fact that Lola could maybe be Latina makes her rare in the free business photo realm. Speaking of which, have you ever tried to find an image of an older business ...

Scanning Upwork this morning and saw "Chinchilla bloggers needed."  Now I know why it's so hard to get blogging jobs. The chinchillas are taking all of them!  Do you know how many chinchilla blogs there are out there? More than you would think. It turns out that these rodents are voracious readers. The pay offered for this particular post was only $1.20 per 100 words, but chinchilla food and dust for their dust baths doesn't cost very much, so they are probably okay with that. Chinchillas are extremely cute, but they chew everything. Maybe that's the appeal of having them work remotely. Adorable chinchillas on your Zoom calls but nobody chewing up your computer cords. I don't know. I am starting to wonder how much competition there is on Upwork. Last week I wrote about babies being hired, and now chinchillas? How many different species am I up against?  Okay, back to work. (Unless you're a chinchilla. Then you should just stick to looking cute and chewing ...

First, let me establish that I LOVE combining words. For example, my kids have Chanukah-themed pajamas—their pajamukahs. I love that word so much that I'm going to make sure they have Chanukah pajamas every year just so that I can keep using it. There are some word combos that just don't work when you say them out loud. Listicles is one of those words. It just sounds too much like testicles. Once I made this connection I couldn't think about the word any other way, and now I'm bringing it to your attention so that we can all stop using it.  Do you hear it? What if I said, "You can tell this list is male because of its listicles." Now do you hear it? So, no more job postings asking for listicles, please. Maybe we could come up with another word. Larticles? No. Listitorial? Maybe. Or we could just admit defeat and call them articles with lists. Or list-based articles.  Just, please, no more listicles. Are we all cool? Great, now I can check that off my listicle....

Calling all babies! Well, not all babies, you have to be competent at being a baby. Is that all babies? I'm not sure. An Upwork post I came across this morning had the title, "A proficient baby/ mom writer needed." I have to say, the space after the forward slash makes it look like they would be okay with either a proficient baby or a mom writer. And they are looking for an expert here, folks. The budget is $10! That kind of seems like they are taking advantage of babies. I mean, a mom will know that $10 won't even buy her a pack of diapers, but babies don't know that. Should I report them? Back to work everyone, Sadie

This morning I came across a job post from someone who needed "a blog writer who has experience writing about luxurious opulent pieces." The fact that I don't even know what would qualify as a "luxurious opulent piece" means I'm clearly not qualified, but it left me wondering what that even means. Like, what would said person's resume look like? Things I like to write about: Couches that are only comfortable if you drape yourself on them like a pouty supermodel Chairs that should never be touched Gold things Diamond-encrusted things Everyday items that are never to be used for their intended purpose (teapots that cannot get wet, shoes that could never be walked in, etc.) Items that require descriptions like festooned, brocaded, filigreed, and gilded I'm the exact opposite of luxurious and opulent. What would that be? Destitute and economical? Common and depressed? I'm going to go with modest and utilitarian. I like my teapots to make tea, and I...