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The Romans Finally Left! CANNONBALL!!

This job opportunity on Upwork is no longer available, which surprises me, because it means somebody actually attempted to do it.

"Newsletter for Jewish Holidays
We are a contractor on the pool business and we need a content writer to specifically write content for our newsletters that are sent on Jewish holidays. Need someone that understands the Jewish culture and can create connections between a pool company and Jewish holidays."

Here's the problem—if you understand Jewish culture, you also understand that there are no connections to swimming pools that could possibly be made. Most of our holidays are about celebrating that we escaped persecution, eating special high-calorie foods, or celebrating that we escaped persecution by eating special high-calorie foods.

Rosh Hashanah 
What it is?  The Jewish New Year. It is one of the High Holidays. Jews who never go to temple go on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. It's like the Jewish equivalent of Christmas and Easter in terms of importance. 
What do we do?  Spend the day at temple, make apologies for bad behavior, eat apples with honey.
Pool?  This is a solemn holiday, plus we're out of breath from blowing the shofar. No pool.

Yom Kippur
What is it?  Yom Kippur is the Day of Atonement. 
What do we do?  This is the only Jewish holiday that doesn't involve food because we are supposed to fast. Think temple, prayer, and confession.
Pool?  You're not even supposed to bathe on Yom Kippur. That would be a hard no.

Sukkot
What is it?  The harvest holiday.
What do we do?  Build thatched huts and throw around some weird fruit.
Pool?  Never mind that it's getting cold out, the huts and the weird fruit are supposed to be reminding us of our ancestors in the desert. No swimming in the desert.

Simchat Torah
What is it?  We finished reading the torah! Lets roll it all up and start again!
What do we do?  Well, rolling a torah takes awhile. Then we dance around with it.
Pool?  If you get a torah wet you are in so much trouble.

Chanukah
What is it?  The Festival of Lights celebrating the rededication of the Temple.
What do we do?  Eat lots of fried food like latkes and sufganiot, give gifts, light the candles, spin the dreidel.
Pool?  I just ate fried potato pancakes. I'm not getting in a bathing suit.

Tu Bishvat
What is it?  Kind of like Earth Day or Arbor Day.
What do we do?  Plant trees! Eat fruits and nuts.
Pool?  I could maybe see it, except that IT'S JANUARY!

Purim
What is it?  Celebrating narrowly escaping genocide.
What do we do?  It's a super fun holiday with carnivals and costumes, because nothing says "I just barely escaped certain death" like a carnival. We also eat special cookies called hamentashen.
Pool?  Each hamentashen has at least 10 grams of fat, and you've probably had about 12 of them, so, no.

Passover
What is it?  Celebrating being set free from slavery in Egypt.
What do we do?  A special feast called a seder, and no bread or leavened food.
Pool?  Have you ever eaten unleavened food for a week? You are not going swimming.

Yom HaShoah
What is it?  Holocaust Remembrance Day.
What do we do?  That's obvious.
Pool?  That's obvious, too.

Yom Ha-Atzmaut
What is it?  Israel Independence Day.
What do we do?  Fairs, celebrations, and falafel.
Pool?  Falafel.

Shavuot
What is it?  Celebrating that it's been seven weeks and we're still out of Egypt.
What do we do?  Eat lots of dairy products—blintzes, cheese, ice cream. Yeah, I don't get it either.
Pool?  The weather is warming up, but I've just eaten 23 blintzes.

Tisha B'Av
What is it?  I have to admit that I didn't know much about this holiday. I thought maybe we had found a pool-appropriate one since it's usually in July.
What do we do?  Then I read the following description: "This is the saddest day in the Jewish calendar." It commemorates the Roman destruction of the Second Temple. Then, I guess because it wasn't sad enough, people starting using it to also commemorate the Spanish Inquisition. Basically, Jews have suffered so much persecution, that we just throw all of the other sad stuff that doesn't have its own holiday into this holiday.
Pool?  Nope.

So, here you have it—your 5781/5782 Jewish Holiday Pool Newsletter. Shalom, and happy swimming!
xo,
Sadie

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