Luxurious and Opulent

This morning I came across a job post from someone who needed "a blog writer who has experience writing about luxurious opulent pieces." The fact that I don't even know what would qualify as a "luxurious opulent piece" means I'm clearly not qualified, but it left me wondering what that even means. Like, what would said person's resume look like?

Things I like to write about:

Couches that are only comfortable if you drape yourself on them like a pouty supermodel
Chairs that should never be touched
Gold things
Diamond-encrusted things
Everyday items that are never to be used for their intended purpose (teapots that cannot get wet, shoes that could never be walked in, etc.)
Items that require descriptions like festooned, brocaded, filigreed, and gilded

I'm the exact opposite of luxurious and opulent. What would that be? Destitute and economical? Common and depressed? I'm going to go with modest and utilitarian. I like my teapots to make tea, and I'm not into bedazzling anything.

Interestingly, the hiring organization has paid an average of $12.78 per hour to their past hires. Nobody is going to be bedazzling anything on that income.

Time to get back to work,

Sadie

Comments

Wait, What Are You Looking For?

"Ghost writing autobiographies" Wait, you are a ghost writing autobiographies, or you're looking for a ghost to write autobiographies? Those are two completely different things. "Needs content for teeth aligned companies" I am assuming you mean teeth-alignment companies. Or do all of these companies have perfect dental alignment? I didn't think companies had teeth, but I'm no expert. "Email newsletters, blog posts, and possibly email drip campaign copywriting (in edgy swagger voice)" In what? Am I supposed to know what "edgy swagger" means? Is that a term a lot of people are using? "Responsive Squarespace Website for Infant" I don't think most babies can read. Or navigate websites. Or sit up. "Dog product testor" Do you want a person to test these products? Or are you searching for dogs? You're much more likely to find them on Pupwork. Oh, never mind, you're looking for a testor, not a tester. Carry ...

You'd Better Not Be Lying About the Pizzas!

Although I started this blog recently, the original idea for it came more than a year ago, not long after I started looking for jobs on Upwork. This was how the post began. "I want an experienced writer who is interested in pizza cooking. You'd better have 1-year experience on pizza cooking." You'd better have one year of experience cooking pizzas? Is that meant to sound like a threat, because it sounds like a threat. Don't come to me with ten months of pizza-baking experience and think I won't know! I mean, STOP WASTING MY TIME! Luckily I haven't encountered any other pizza-baking, cookbook-creating potential employers using strong-arm tactics since.

Psst! Fifty Bucks for a Book Report?

Back in my day we just copied off of each other on tests, but students these days are much more savvy. They hire people to do their homework for them on Upwork. Nobody comes out and says, "please do my homework assignment," but there are usually other telltale signs that your potential employer is a well-to-do, lazy teenager—the details are vague, it involves a book that every high schooler is forced to read, or it's due the same day. Here are a few that just scream, "Please do my homework!" "Article on Mother Ignacia" "Two short summaries on famous literature" "Research report due in a few hours" "Religion assignment" I said most of them don't come out and say it's coursework, but that last one is pretty straightforward about it. Maybe they are feeling particularly guilty about somebody doing their religion homework? Wanted—a two-page paper on plagiarism for my ethics class.

Downworker

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